Alberto Tucks Tail and Rrrrruns !!

If Al Gonzo had a spine or any measure of integrity, this would be his letter of resignation:

 Dear President Bush:

I respectfully submit my resignation as Attorney General of the United States.

The reasons for my resignation are well-known to you but it may serve the public interest to know the truth.  Finally.

I have disgraced myself, my family, my political friends, my savior (that would be you, Mr. President), and my country.

I am simply incapable of doing this job properly.  You personally know that I am a loser.  That I am unqualified.  That politics mean more than the rule of law.   That the only reason you gave me the job was because you knew that my nose would always be firmly implanted up your ass.  And it has been.  Faithfully and without complaint.

I love torture.  Oh, how I love torture.  We both know the American people are stupid.  That’s how you were elected in the first place.  Americans do not understand torture.  They simply cannot grasp that surfboarding and waterboarding are not all that different.  America’s security is at great risk unless we can torture at will.

I love torture.  Since the American people and their flunky representatives in Congress were unwilling to accept my justification for torture, I thought I’d stay on a bit longer after that traiter Arlen Specter called for my resignation. 

But my attempts at torturing them by not resigning backfired.  I could not get any good seats at any of the best restaurants in the District.  Not even in the in-house restaurant.  Not even at a window-seat at Legal Seafoods down on K Street.   Where the waiter insists on serving me frozen catfish instead of the lobster bisque.  I cannot find unused toilet paper with which to blow my nose.

Rick Santorum refuses to return my calls.   Mark Foley is chasing the boys.  I’d complain to John Asscroft in his hospital bed but he’s dead.  Monica Goodling is thinking of converting to Catholicism.

My life is a wreck.

I need to go.

Maybe I’ll partner up with Don Rumsfeld.  He didn’t do so bad after his sorry ass was run out of town.

All my best to Laura and to your pregnant twin.

Forever truly yours,

 Alberto Gonzales.

xoxoxox

p.s. may I remove my nose from between your buttcheeks?